Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage our emotions and those of others. The first step is to fully understand how our own emotions affect how we think and act. It is also important to understand how our emotions affect others. Become more aware of other people's emotions, what impact their emotions have on how they behave and on how it makes us feel. Try not to manipulate or suppress your feelings, but understand, support and channel your emotions as productively as possible. The following will help you recognize and understand some of your emotions.

Anxiety: What is anxiety? Fear. Fear of what? The unknown, change, and uncertainty. Do you fear your boss, co-workers, teachers, or parents. Are you under work and time pressures. Are you afraid of failing, being found incompetent or being rejected. What about not achieving what you want or financial problems. Relationship problems. Bad health.

There are also many any other things that cause of contribute to our anxiety.

Do you hide when you feel anxious? We all feel anxious some of the time about some things - it's only human. If others don't seem to, it's only because we have learned to hide it. That makes us more anxious - seeing others appearing to be OK. If you think only you can't cope, this will increase your anxiety. It may help to write down the negative things you say to yourself. When you catch yourself at it, write down the opposite point of view. The positive slant is just a different way of looking at the same facts.

Anxiety causes a distorted view of things---leading to more anxiety.

Distortion is best eliminated by checking your view with others.

Talking about anxiety is made easier by starting with small hints.

Often, we find the other person has the same feelings. This then makes it easier to open up more fully. This is called doing a reality check.

Then it's a matter of breaking down your anxiety into specifics that you can knock off one at time. Keeping it all in your head makes it seem overwhelming. Change the external factors leading to your anxiety that you can change. Then, for the rest, work at changing how you think about and react to pressure. Also, improve your self esteem, strive to think more highly of yourself. Try to think of positives along with negatives - not just the latter. When criticizing yourself list all the good things you can say about yourself. Practice relaxation techniques.

Being less defensive: When criticized, do you ever... repackage your blunders so you won't look so bad? Do you blame circumstances, luck, or others when things don't work out or maybe position the "facts" to create a positive impression? What about create excuses for not having done something? Do you argue back forcefully or do you feel hurt and withdraw? Have you ever got angry and vowed to get even?

How receptive are you to feedback? These moves, and many more less obvious ones, are all defensive. A little defensiveness is healthy self-protection...like your immune system. Excessive defensiveness will prevent you from learning from your mistakes. After all, why do anything different, if all your mistakes are someone else's fault? Feeling angry because of changes imposed from above? Attack the stupidity of your bosses and you feel better! But this move can be self-defeating if it stops you from understanding their rationale and coming to terms with your own resistance to change.

If you have healthy self esteem, you should be able to admit your mistakes. If you have low self esteem you will either be too hard on yourself for even small mistakes OR you will go to the other extreme and defensively never admit them! When you anticipate failure of a project do you start telling people why it will fail? You're setting up defenses in advance so you won't have to create them after the fact. Advance defensiveness can increase the likelihood of failure. Some people will even sabotage their own projects, when they start to think they will fail, if they can do so in a way that ensures their getting off the hook.

Recognizing and avoiding your own excessive defensiveness is not easy if you have developed a pattern of protecting a fragile self esteem in this way. But you will not keep up with the demand in today's organizations to learn faster if you don't confront this issue for yourself.

Assertiveness

Are you aggressive, passive or assertive? Some of us are too aggressive others are too submissive or passive. Getting the balance right is not easy. To the passive, assertiveness feels like being aggressive. You feel ashamed, guilty, flustered and upset. To the aggressive, just being moderately assertive feels like someone is taking advantage of them.

You may think you're assertive just because you rant and rave at times. But maybe you give in a lot, kidding yourself that you're just being reasonable. So how can you say "no" to your boss or others without incurring their wrath? Say "Yes, but"... and find a way to help others get what they want without you doing it! Or...you negotiate priorities. Which crisis do they want handled first? A flat "no" is always confrontational even if not expressed aggressively. Try saying ''Let me see how I can help you.'' Then advise them how to do it instead of taking it on yourself. Or suggest someone else. Being assertive just means speaking firmly about how you feel about a situation. It's less confrontational to refer to YOUR feelings rather than the other's behavior. Arguing may be experienced by the other party as an attack even if you speak gently.

You can be assertive by asking questions - statements are more confrontational. To make a point, ask questions to lead the other party to your conclusions.

Assertiveness...getting the words and the balance just right takes a lot of practice. Practice works best with frequent feedback from someone you trust. Be assertive to keep yourself from sliding into burnout due to excessive stress. The benefit for you is control over your priorities rather than being driven by demands you feel unable to manage.

These are just a few emotions that affect how we cope with our daily lives and seem to be at the forefront of problems that affect young and old alike. There are several more that I will share with you in the future. I would like to hear your comments and maybe even suggestions of emotions that I have not included here that you would be interested in learning about.

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QJ